Guest Blog: H sounds off

In honor of my big bird, I've decided to post a rant of my own...shall we say a warning to all you book buyers out there...DON'T do the following next time you visit a bookstore:

DON'T...hand me a ten dollar bill after I tell you how much you owe and say "Out of Ten." I CAN FUCKING SEE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU'RE GIVING ME MORON!

DON'T...take your sweet-ass time folding your bills, counting your change, checking over your receipt and making sure everything is in your bag when there is a line of 47 people behind you...STEP THE FUCK ASIDE SO I CAN HELP THE NEXT PERSON!

DON'T...tell me you have a special order in the closet and when I ask you what your last name is say "s-m-i-t-h". Ok, jerk-off I know how to spell SMITH. If your last name is ASHWALDORIMWALBIKELO then spell it, otherwise assume i'm an intelligent and simply say, "Smith."

DON'T...SIGN YOUR GODDAMN CREDIT CARD AND WRITE "SEE I.D." ON IT AND HAVE YOUR PHOTO ON THE FRONT. It's a waste of my time when I could simply verify photographically that you are not stealing someone's identity or simply compare signatures. You have just wasted ink that could have been used to draw a picture of a snuffalupagus and that offends me.

DON'T...ask me if upstairs is closed, or how to get up there, or where the stairs are, or even LOOK confused about the broken escalator while I'm sitting behind a sign marked
"STAIRS = = = = =>"
and the elevator is right next to said broken escalator. You people are driving me to ALCOHOLISM.

DON'T...EVER EVER EVER reply "But I need it now!" when I tell you that the book you want will take 3-5 business days if I order it. I don't have a hidden library shoved up my ass and making it known that the book is necessary at this very moment is not going to make my desire to punch you in the face any less severe.

DON'T...put your things down on the counter while I'm typing on the computer and look at me like you want to check out. There are TWO goddamn registers on the other side people, and I simply like to assume that you know the difference between a computer and a cash register.

DON'T...make me tell you that a discount card is for "University faculty, staff, alumni or Bookstore members" and then ask me if we have a student discount. IF WE DID, I WOULD HAVE INCLUDED IT IN WHAT CONSTITUTES A DISCOUNT CARD.

And Finally...

DON'T...FUCKING INTERRUPT ME WHILE I'M WITH ANOTHER CUSTOMER! I'm a nice person, and I'm a fair person. I PROMISE I'll give you your moment in the spotlight to bask in the glory of my book knowledge, but for the love of god, LET ME FINISH WITH THE PERSON WHO WAS IN LINE FIRST!

Lesson of the day...don't be the needle that breaks the bookseller's back. You never know when we may just lose it...