This is not "save a bookseller" day

I am trying not to lose it.

Work with me people. Just a little. Please.

No title or author? Give me a word in the title. No, not "the." A real word. Dinosaur. Forest. Video. BOOK. Anything, for god's sake. Just not THE.

Don't know what floor to go to? I'll tell you. Just be a little more specific than, "It's a novel." Because your definition of novel is very, very different than mine. As in, your definition is probably wrong.

Want to check out? Fabulous. Don't lurk 5 feet away from the register and stare at me. Don't peruse the books in front of the register, say you're fine when I ask if you need help, and then plunk your stuff down as soon as I walk out onto the floor. And don't, seriously DO NOT, wait in line as I ring up other people, approach me, then say, "Can I check out here?" Because no.

Need help finding a textbook? Believe me when I actually say, "I can't look that up here. The fourth floor can help you." Don't tell me that the fourth floor is too far and try to coerce me into checking your book downstairs. I. can't. do. it. Just mount the escalator. It will carry you up. You don't even have to walk. At all.

Like books? Want a recommendation? That is wonderful. Really. I like helping people find books. I've read a lot of them. However, there are some that have slipped through the cracks. Don't bring up some random book and say, "Is this good?" A better question would be, "Have you read this?" And if I admit I haven't, don't say, "Why not?" Have you SEEN all the books in this store? And if you're holding a book that I find completely obnoxious, like something by Bill O'Reilly, you really don't want to ask "why not." Cause I might give you an honest answer. And that? Would be BAD. And scary.

Other advice:
--Don't try to trick me. I don't find it amusing.
--Don't snort at me when I haven't heard of a particular author. I'm not a human database.
--Don't ask for a book, let me say, "Okay, it's right over here," and then watch me go get it. You're supposed to follow me. So you can understand how this crazy, mixed-up alphabetizing system works. So that next time you can find it on your own.
--Do NOT, under any circumstances, tell me I should smile more. You have no idea what's going on in my life right now. I'm not being surly, I'm not grunting replies, I'm not eating crayons, so just let me quietly check you out. This isn't "save a bookseller" day.
--Don't keep your headphones in, then look at me like I'm disabled when I ask you the obligitory questions. And then have the audacity to look annoyed and sigh and pull out your headphones and say, "WHAT" cause you've been listening to Journey at full blast. It's basic human decency, people!

That's all. It comes down to basic, polite human interactions. Don't expect me to smile for forty hours straight, and I won't expect you to always get off your phone (eventhoughthat'sreallyrudeandIdon'tneedtohearabouthowyoudidn'tget
anyasslastnightbecauseofthatdumbbitch).
(True conversation I was privy to.)
Thank you.