BL

The time has come. I must talk about Bible Lady.

I was introduced to Bible Lady on a blustery fall day last year shortly after I procurred employment at my humble establishment.
Bible Lady eats the Bible. Literally. It's usually caught in her teeth and we're now in the point in our relationship that she will eat it right in front of me (she didn't at first). She also rolls the pages into cigarettes. Nothing like the word of God to give you that nicotine buzz.

Now, BL is obviously a seriously troubled lady. The thing is, she looks normal and she's actually quite pretty. Then she opens her mouth and, well, she has taught me a LOT. For example, BL watches out for me because sometimes people come to the register and are jealous of "how pretty and tall and slender" (her words, not mine, obvi) I am AND TRY TO STAB ME WITH THE TALONS OF THE DEVIL. She offered me pages of her large Bible (she has three different varieties) to put in my shoes because the devil most easily enters through the feet. And apparently the Devil is all around me, but she wards him off. Phew. She sees demons lurking in the corners a lot, but says I have nothing to worry about. Apparently if I ate the Bible I might see these as well, but that's a risk I'm just going to have to take.

BL is OBSESSED with weight and height. Part of the reason she eats the Bible is to get pretty and rich, which I tell her is very un-Christian. She also carries serious grudges. You do NOT want to be on her bad side. No siree. I clearly don't care about this since I needle her constantly. But seriously, if you dealt with a crazy lady for about an hour each day (she often leaves and comes back. over and over) then you would realize that if you keep agreeing with her, she just keeps talking. AND NEVER STOPS.

BL thinks I am destined to be a ballerina. Which? Hahahahahahahahaha. I am quite possibly the biggest klutz EVOR, I have not an ounce of rhythm, and I really REALLY like food. People will come up to my register and BL will accost them--"Don't you think Kate's so pretty? Doesn't she look like a ballerina? She carries herself like a ballerina. Did your mother give you ballet lessons?" The customer is being strong-armed by BL to tell me I'm pretty which is maybe the most awkwardly hilarious thing. This poor girl looked scared out of her mind, and I'm rolling my eyes, "It's okay, ignore her, you don't need to tell me I'm pretty." And the girl sputters, "No, no! You're pretty! You are!" cause she's obviously scared that BL is going to smack her with the big white Bible if she disagrees.

BL's mother paid for everything until BL turned 40, when she was completely cut off. She suffered from severe bulimia when someone told her to eat the Bible and it would cure her. Evidently it did, but you can see why she's such a strange, tragic figure. I don't want to make fun of her, but she has been off her rocker recently. She has decided that one of our sales associates is the personification of evil and now yells at him in the middle of the store. The thing is, this guy is so...innocuous. I told her she had to stop or they were going to kick her out, so she's toned it down a bit.

Let's see. BL has taken such a liking to me that I am in her will, but I must promise to give my children ballet lessons. Also, when she wins the lottery--which she will SOON, cause she SEES the numbers!--she's buying me lunch for an entire year. ANYWHERE--this is a very important point to her. She also might bring me to Saks but she hasn't decided yet.

Other things:
--When she meets you for the first time, she will take a page from the Bible to shake your hand. This blesses you. She did this to my (very lucky!) mother, who she now asks about every day.
--Don't even get her started on those EVIL homosexuals! They are unnatural and BAD! So are those who have lived with a boyfriend. Usually I just nod and agree, but when I'm feeling mischievious, which has been occuring more frequently, I like to set her off. "But BL, I lived with a boyfriend before. Two, actually." A look of disappointment crosses her face. "Kate, Kate. You will go to hell now. That's so sad." I shrug and say, "I think all the fun people are in hell, BL." Next time I'm telling her I realized I'm a lesbian.
--The red bibles taste the best, but the black ones have the psalms. The white ones are for lining her shoes and doing something else that she won't tell me. The white ones taste like wood.
--The Bible canNOT be taxed! No one knows if this is really a rule, but if it keeps her docile, we'll do it. 10-taxcode-enter. Don't leave home without it.



That is the shortest introduction possible I can give.