I Don't Do Shit.

Literally.

I've been back a week and I'm just speechless.

1. Is changing a child's diaper in the middle of a clothing department standard practice? Because after catching whiff of an unpleasant smell, I peered across my floor to see just that. Which, um...NOT OKAY. (And, regarding the story below, this was a day when the restrooms were fully functional.)

2. We have two restrooms. Having restrooms is a courtesy to our customers. If said customers cannot have enough common sense to a) not smear shit on surfaces, b) not shoot up drugs for 45 minutes or c) take "showers" and a nap, these restrooms would be perfectly functional.
[Disclaimer: My store is in a very safe area. So safe, in fact, that I saw Assy, our resident homeless man, scalping Red Sox tickets. Yes, the scalpers hired a homeless man who grunts a lot and has his pants around his knees (thus the nickname) to help them out. I've never felt threatened and have, in fact, a friendly relationship with a couple of the men. So the fact that this is happening in our bathrooms is probably nothing compared to other areas of the city.]

3. When one restroom becomes disfunctional, the other is labeled as unisex. You might have to wait longer. We're sorry. Our building is 100 years old. My grandmother is 87 and people cut her slack all the time. Be gentle with our building. It's gone through a lot.

4. When the wait at the unisex restroom is too long, please don't come yell at me. There are two reasons this is stupid: a) I work on a different floor. Yes, it is the one you exit on, but when I'm puttering around inventorying cards, screeching at me about the toilets is the opposite way to win favor with me. b) This is a bookstore. We're not a mall.

5. When I am advised that the toilet--a floor above me, to which I have no access, as I'm chained to my desk by HP reservations these days--is not flushing and is overflowing, I say, "Okay, I'll let someone know." Which I totally won't, because duh, we know. We know that someone smeared crap everywhere, we know that someone decided to disengage the entire paper towel roll and spatter it with water and make a soggy mess of tissue, we know that the toilet is clogged and are trying to place a sign on the door but we keep getting interrupted. We. Know.

6. The thing to NOT say in these instances is, "Well, aren't you going to DO something about it?" Because you know what? No. I'm not. I'm wearing $80 linen pants and a cashmere shell. I am not going to walk into a watery bathroom to plunge an overflowing toilet. I mean, that's just me, and maybe I think too highly of myself, but seriously? At the rate I'm paid? When I'm dealing with HP and the "first floor crazies" (as I've taken to calling my regulars, because seriously?) and orientation and freshman parents and everything else? NO. I am NOT going to do something about it. I am here to help you find a book, to direct you around (apparently, as some people wish) the entire freaking STATE, to direct you to textbooks, to direct you to other books, to order books, to reserve FUCKING Harry Potter, to answer your question about when you can purchase HP, to mime our store policies, to tell people they can't return used books, to repeat and repeat and REPEAT without getting irritated.

I am not here to clean up shit. That's where I draw the line.